i give up.

well, a month from today i am graduating. from college. there is no hiding from the real world anymore. i'll be shoved out and exposed, with not a single clue what i'm doing.

i feel like i've had it pretty easy thus far regarding decision making. i applied to one college and went there. i chose one major at the beginning of my freshman year and am graduating with it. anytime people would ask the (awful) question, "so what are you doing with your life?" i would smile and say, "oh, i am going to take a year off and travel and such, then go to grad school." and then smile some more and people would stop asking. but now i've discovered that a lot more goes into those things than a smile and a sentence, and have come up clueless.

i'm a high-stress person, type A if you will. i think i get it from my dad, but no matter where it comes from; i have it. high stress and cluelessness don't get along. they are actual a pretty bad mix. they make me feel that i should be in control, and at any point that i see something tangible for my future, i latch on like a leech just so that i have SOMETHING. but that's a tricky situation, especially since i want to follow what God has for my life. and sometimes i think we can create these wild ideas and try to disguise them as God's plan. we can say things like well, i can find a great church, reach people around me, etc.

and the truth is that you can do the Lord's work anywhere. people need God everywhere, but where does God need YOU? that's the real question that i've been discovering an answer too. sure you can justify any easy situation and make it appear to be for God. but if it's not his calling on your life, it's not going to go very well, no matter how great it can sound.

well, all of that is to say this: i give up. i wait. i quit making silly plans and letting the Enemy tell me that they are worth my time. because until i hear from the Lord, no plan is worth it.

i would rather wait to hear God and hear nothing, than hear a lot of lies and false promises.

so here's to having no clue, and loving (almost) every minute of it. is this true surrender?